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  • Writer's pictureBetter Sex 4 U

How do you know if you are good at sex?

Interestingly enough, while researching statistics about sexual confidence in men and women in the United States I found there are none!

I found several studies done in the UK and none in the United States.

Why? Because Americans are much more sexually suppressed.

European countries are much more sex positive than in America.

I am not going to get on my soapbox about this today. That will definitely be another blog post!

In an article, from Psypost "Having a higher number of past sexual partners is tied to greater self-esteem especially among men".

Men have stronger sexual confidence in the bedroom. As women, we are concerned about how our partners see us. We are naked. Belly bumps, stretch marks and cellulite are not hidden during sex making us more inhibited.

However, in an article in the Medicalxpress the number of women who have had sex with more than 15 partners over the last few decades has increased from 3 to 7 percent.

So, although women are starting to be more promiscuous than men we still do not feel sexually confident. Interesting?

Woman and man enjoying a sensual kiss

I have known men and women who were amazing lovers and knew they were!

How did they know?

Simply put!

They love sex as much as I do!

9 tips on how to know you are great in bed

We all have our own ideas about what great sex is.

There are a lot of ways to be great in bed. In future posts I will discuss creativeness, communication, techniques and of course, hygiene.

For now, let's start with how you know!

1. you love sex

A simple indicator to knowing you are good in bed can be how much you love sex!

You are always keeping an eye out for new and different ways to rock your partners world and enhance your own experiences.

You may read books, articles, blogs, watch videos or like trying different sex toys.

You want to be the best and you take great pride in being skilled at sex.

A person who really loves what they are doing is often really good at it. Sex is no different!

2. You are open minded and switch things up

You like to switch things up and be creative.

You like to try different sex positions and you never skip foreplay.

These can be signs that you are great in bed!

Foreplay is one of the best parts of sex and no one wants to have sex with someone who has the same sexual routine. BORING!

3. You are confident

Confidence is sexy!

Confidence will take you a long way in and out of the bedroom.

Confidence could be things like leaving the light on while having sex or walking around the house nude. Maybe you like walking around in something super sexy!

You take control of sex! You are vocal, enthusiastic and you feel your partner wanting you.

Confidence in the bedroom can really turn your partner on. They know you aren't afraid to tell them when you want sex and show them how you like it!

4. You know what you need to have an orgasm

Someone who is great in bed doesn't rely on just their partner to have an orgasm.

A woman who has explored her own body and knows how to bring herself to orgasm can show her partner how she wants to be pleasured.

A sexually proactive woman isn't just going to lay back and leave her orgasm to chance. She is going to take control.

Most people don't want an overly passive partner in the bedroom. So, it is totally OK to take charge in getting yourself to orgasm.

Woman masturbating

5. Both of you are equally into it

Having your partner approve of your great love-making skills while your in the moment is always a good indicator that you are good in bed!

However, approval isn't always going to be given vocally. So, you have to pay attention to non-verbal signs.

You know you are good in bed when your partner is leaning into you. Your partner may angle their hips to get to you or thrusting and moving with you.

If you get your partner close to orgasm don't change what your doing!

There is nothing worse than having something that feels so incredible interrupted and then have to build that feeling back up again. Unless you are into Edging then go for it! I say more about Edging later!

6. Her pussy expands

Great sex will cause a women's pussy to expand or lengthen during penetration.

If you notice her pussy relaxing as you thrust into her, great job!

If you have been going at it for a while and you begin to feel her contract this may mean she is close to orgasm. Don't stop! Keep going!

7. You aim to please

For most people the goal of sex is pleasure. But, who's pleasure?

If you have more interest in giving pleasure you are a great lover!

A great lover is always more than willing to give as much pleasure as they can.

Amazing lovers are always looking for ways to bring more pleasure to their partner.

A great lover is never completely satisfied if they know their partner did not fully enjoy their sexual encounter.

Having a partner that is more concerned with pleasing you is a huge turn on. Imagine what sex would be like if you both had the same goal.

More and more pleasure!

8. You are attentive and vocal with your partner

Being attentive and vocal during sex is another way to know you are doing it right.

Everyone loves to hear the sounds of their lover experiencing pleasure. Especially when they are the one giving it.

A great lover pays attention to what causes their partner to moan, breathe heavy and observes how their body is reacting to what you are doing for them, to them and with them.

There is nothing hotter than your partner moaning or pressing into you because of what you are doing. Whew!

An amazing lover isn't afraid to tell their partner what they want and how they want it.

A great lover isn't locked into using the same moves all the time. Every partner is different.

Every body is different.

In time you can learn what every sigh or body movement means. It guides you towards your next move of either pleasing or teasing.

9. You are hard maybe even impossible to forget

Most of us have had at least one lover who was absolutely amazing in bed!

That person just popped in your mind didn't they? Did your skin flush a little at the thought of them?

They were a great lover!

Maybe it didn't work out for whatever reason. Maybe when you are alone or with your current partner your have memories of your sex with that person.

A great lover is impossible to forget. Our body remembers every kiss, touch, suck and orgasm we had.

final thoughts

There are many ways we can be amazing in bed. It can be how we fuck, how we give oral, how we move our body, how we use our hands or what we can do with our mouths.

If you are not great in bed, how you can accomplish being impossible to forget?

It is possible, no matter your age, your body type, your experiences or lack there of, to learn to be amazing in bed!

Click here to learn how I help you do that!

Next week, I will share things I found made my lovers amazing in bed! I include myself in the category of being amazing in bed! I am am Sex Coach after all!

Until next week!

Remember practice makes perfect!

"To feel aroused is to feel alive. Having great sex is like taking in huge lungfuls of fresh air, essential to your body, essential to your health, and essential to your life."

Fiona Thrust

My love and I at The Biltmore House. It was such a beautiful day. We always enjoy new adventures together!

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U

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Is there help for my Erectile Dysfunction?

Last week I discussed the Physiological components to ED. As you saw, lifestyle changes can really be helpful. Having a better diet, exercising, not smoking and decreasing alcohol intake are all very important.

In this week's post I want to talk about the Psychological or Psychogenic Erectile Dysfunction.

What do I mean by Psychogenic Erectile Dysfunction? Simply put, it is the inability to achieve or maintain an erection during sex due to psychological factors.

How many men are affected by ed?

Let's review some facts from my blog last week.

  • Erectile Dysfunction is common in men ages 41-60 years and very common in men 60+ years.

  • 30 million men in the United States are affected by ED

  • Worldwide prevalence of Erectile Dysfunction is expected to increase to 322 million men by 2025

  • 1 in 10 men is estimated to have ED at some point in his lifetime.

Sex can affect your overall health and quality of life. Many men with ED can experience low self-esteem at some point in time.

Erectile Dysfunction can also put stress on your relationship with your partner.

Before moving on to some of the psychological causes of ED I want to say, Erectile Dysfunction can be caused by an underlying medical condition. To determine if your ED is psychogenic or not, contact your healthcare provider to rule out any medical conditions that could be causing your ED.

After ruling out any medical conditions that can be causing your ED it is time to start looking inward.

What are some Psychological factors of ed?

Here are a few factors that can cause Psychological ED.

  • Stress and anxiety: When you are anxious or stressed becoming aroused can be challenging. Click the link for more information on Stress and anxiety.

  • Performance anxiety: Worries about sexual performance or being unable to satisfy your partner can lead to anxiety, which impacts your ability to have and keep and erection.

  • Depression: Depression can cause a lack of interest in activities, which includes sex. Experiencing depression can make it hard to connect with others, including having a sexual relationship with your partner.

  • Relationship concerns: Conflict in your relationship can lead to emotional stress and create distance between you and your partner, which hinders sex.

  • Feelings of guilt: Whether it's related to past performance, emotional stress, or other issues, guilt can lead to depression and anxiety and ultimately ED.

  • Low self worth: Low self worth can be related to performance during previous sexual activity and can lead to you possibly feeling inadequate or shamed.

  • Cultural or religious beliefs: Your attitude toward sex may be influenced by negative religious or cultural beliefs.

  • Trauma: A history of sexual abuse or trauma can cause you to experience an emotional response during sex and in sexual relationships. Addressing these with a therapist like Mark W. Neville M. Div, is crucial to healing those wounds.

What can you do to treat psychological ED?

Psychological ED is treated by addressing the psychological factors.

Here are some treatment options:

  • Individual or Couples Therapy: Therapy can help you identify your thoughts and feelings related to sexual activity and Erectile Dysfunction. Through therapy you can develop balanced thoughts about yourself, your relationship and your sexual performance.

  • Relationship coaching: This can be a great opportunity for you and your partner to improve communication about intimacy and sex, examine your sexual relationship and gain insights and understanding of each other's sexual needs.

  • Relaxation techniques: I help you implement different breathing, meditation and visualization techniques to calm and relax you.

What other options do I have to help with erectile dysfunction?

I say in almost every blog post communication is the most important tool you have for a satisfying Sex Life.

Communication is key

Communicating with your partner especially when you are coping with ED and other challenges is paramount important.

Talk openingly about your desires and fears. If you are experiencing ED, your partner may be worried that you no longer find them attractive. They may also suspect that they are doing something wrong or that you are having an affair. It is important to reassure each other that your love and attraction remains regardless of whether your dick gets hard or not.

Click here to learn more about how I can help you and your partner work through communication issues and improve your sex life.

How I help you with ed

Below are 6 ways I coach clients with Psychological ED.

1. learn to relax

Anxiety is one of the biggest contributors to ED. In some of my clients, anxiety plays a larger role than medical problems.

When you are worried that you won't be able to "perform" or enjoy yourself in bed you are less likely to enjoy yourself. Make sense? It is a self-fulfilling cycle.

I teach my clients to focus on what they are enjoying with their partner. I also coach them to do some deep breathing exercises or massage techniques. These actions bring simple pleasure and relaxation through touch.

The more relaxed you are, the more ready you will be for a full-filling, stress-free sexual experience.

2. Rediscover your partner

Do you remember what it was like when you first started dating and having sex? Every touch you shared was exciting!

I coach clients to find that again!

I coach my clients on how to relive that time together. Kiss, laugh, and experiment.

How to take their mind off the clock and enjoy time together. It is OK for them to take their time! It is OK to enjoy touching and caressing each other until they reach a state of arousal.

They find the more time they spend on foreplay, the more in tune they become with each others bodies and turn-ons.

They can enjoy each other! Sex doesn't have to only be about penetration. There is so much more to sex than just a dick in a pussy!

I help you discover those things! Reach out to learn more!

3. Avoid unhealthy habits

As I mentioned in my last blog post, certain lifestyle changes help with Erectile Dysfunction.

  • Stop smoking

  • Avoid heavy drinking

  • Avoid illicit drugs

You can read my last blog post for more information on lifestyle changes.

4. Lose weight and exercise regularly

79% of men presenting to their healthcare provider with concerns of Erectile Dysfunction are obese.

Obesity may increase the risk ED by 30% to 90% as compared to those with normal weight.

Obesity effects testosterone levels, can cause depression and cause multitude of other health concerns.

Those with ED have a greater waist size than those without ED.

Exercising at least 1 1/2 hours a week has shown to be very helpful in managing ED. Not only does it help with weight loss it helps to produce natural "feel good" hormones in your body.

5. Get playful with your partner

If my client can't maintain a firm erection, they can still orgasm without intercourse!

There are many ways for partners to give each other a great deal of sexual pleasure.

I help you discover many creative ways!

For example, I coach my clients to try mutual masturbation, use sex toys like vibrators to stimulate each other. I also teach them my personal favorite, both oral and manual stimulation! These things can be really fun and very satisfying!

I teach my clients to be adventurous!

I use other techniques with my clients to help them learn more about how to give and receive pleasure. Call me if you want to know more.

6. keep moving forward

For most people, physical intimacy is an important part of a happy and satisfying relationship. You can still have physical intimacy even if maintaining an erection is difficult.

I suggest to all of my clients, get your hormones checked by a specialist. I refer my clients to Blue Sky MD.

Contact your healthcare provider and get a check up.

final thoughts

It is important to take of your overall physical and mental health and well being.

Practice good communication with your partner.

Adjust your sexual expectations.

Adopt healthy lifestyle habits.

Discover creative ways to satisfy each others needs.

A great Sex Life doesn't have to be limited to penetration. There is so much more to sex than just a dick and a pussy.

Try new things! Be creative and have fun!

Contact me today to see how I can help.

"He tugs my bottom lip with his straight white teeth before releasing it and making a low noise in the back of throat. I let out a sound that's just as guttural and pleading. "You taste like sin-the best kind imaginable." - Lucas

My love and I on our wedding day! Still one of the best days of my life!

Lisa Neville

Sex, Relationship and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U


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Is there help for Erectile Dysfunction?

Yes, if you are willing to do the work!

Erectile Dysfunction is such a big topic I am going to divide this into 2 separate blog posts.

I see 2 different components to ED. There is the Physiological or medical component and Psychological or mental component.

Today, I want to talk about the physiological components.

Let's start by learning more about what Erectile Dysfunction is according to the Mayo Clinic.

Erectile dysfunction (impotence) is the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sex.

Having erection trouble from time to time isn't necessarily a cause for concern. If erectile dysfunction is an ongoing issue, however, it can cause stress, affect your self-confidence and contribute to relationship problems. Problems getting or keeping an erection can also be a sign of an underlying health condition that needs treatment and a risk factor for heart disease.

Ugh! Just the sound of that is awful!

Man upset about Erectile Dysfunction

Now, let's look at ED from a different perspective.

Dr. Chris Donaghue, PhD, LCSW, CST, ACS is a Sex & Relationship Therapist, Sexologist, Media Personality, Author, Lecturer, and Educator. He wrote a very interesting book called Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture

He discusses many topics in this book and specifically addresses ED.

Here is an excerpt from his book about ED.

Sexual problems are normal and should be expected. Sexual disabilities and issues are not the sign of failure that we have come to see them as. Susan Bordo states "the penis is not a dildo" (1999 pg. 64) recognizing that the penis is a live, fragile, complex organ, run by a live, fragile, complex human being.

It is not just a biology of hydraulics, as urologist and pharmaceutical companies want us to believe. It carries relational, intrapsychic, cultural and familial symbolism.

Individuals should see difficulties in functioning not as problems but as challenges to expand their understanding of how to be sexual, including experimenting with behaviors and instruments they have not tried.

WOW! What a different perspective!

Here are some facts you may not know.

According to the American Urological Association, ED affects nearly 30 million men.

30 million!

In a Verified Market Research study, medications and treatments for ED globally has cost men around 3629 million dollars!

3629 million dollars!

This is what Urologists and Pharmaceutical companies have made selling treatments and medications for men to get a hard on.

I get it, sometimes these medications are needed. I also know that sometimes lifestyle changes can help you get the same results.


What can you do for Erectile Dysfunction?

Let's start by talking about the effect of medications.

ED can be a side effect of taking antidepressants and blood pressure medications.

I recommend talking with your primary care doctor. Are there any other alternatives to the medications you are taking?

I am not advising you to stop taking your medications.

Depression, anxiety and hypertension can possibly be effectively managed by changing your lifestyle.

Are there things you can change? Do you need to eat healthier? Do you need to exercise? Do you need to stop smoking or cut back on drinking alcohol? These can be factors that contribute to ED.

Diabetes and Heart Disease are also contributors to ED. These diseases can be heriditary and you can also change your lifestyle to be healthier.

Low Testosterone can play a role in decreased libido. Research doesn't show that low testosterone is a factor in ED.

However, if you are living with low testosterone it can have an effect on your health and well-being. If you feel better because your hormones are balanced, you may have more energy and your mood may be brighter.

What can help with ed?

An article in Health Central states foods that are high in Flavones, Omega 3's, Nitric oxide,

L-arginine and Anti-oxidants can be helpful.

Flavones are typically found in fruits and veggies.

You will find concentrated flavones in:

  • Chamomile tea

  • Bergamot juice

  • Artichoke heads

  • Kumquats

  • Bell peppers


  • Strawberries

  • Blueberries

  • Apples

  • Pears

  • Citrus fruits


  • Natural Omega 3's

  • Wild salmon instead of cold water salmon

Olive Oil

  • Use unrefined and extra virgin olive oil

Whole grains

Purchase products that are 100% whole grain.

  • Bread

  • Cereal

  • Crackers

Healthy salad

Herbs and spices

  • Parsley

  • Thyme

  • Rosemary

  • Chives

  • Tarragon

  • Oregano

Meats and poultry

L-arginine is an amino-acid found in protein reach foods such as:

  • Poultry

  • Red meat in moderation

  • Fish

Nuts and legumes

  • Almonds

  • Walnuts

  • Pistachios

  • Kidney beans

  • Black beans

  • Pinto beans

  • Great Northern beans

  • Navy beans

Leafy Greens

  • Kale

  • Arugula

  • Spinach

  • Leafy Lettuce

  • Broccoli

You can add radishes and carrots to that list as well!

Tea and coffee

  • Tea increases Flavonoids as part of a healthy diet

  • Coffee in moderation may help build resistance to inflammation

Now that we have looked at things that can possibly help with your ED. Let's talk about what you might want to avoid.

What should I avoid?

Here are some things you may want avoid when managing ED.


Sugar leads to weight gain and a high body mass index. Excessive body weight and an increase in BMI can lead to ED.

A study conducted in 2014 concluded that 8 million cases of ED were related to Diabetes and Obesity.

High Fat meals

People with high cholesterol levels, high blood pressure , obesity and are smokers may have an increased risk of Atherosclerosis.

Atherosclerosis is a build up in the inner lining of the arteries. As a result of this build up there is a reduction of the oxygen supply and blood flow to the organs.

What is your cock? It's an organ!

Make sense?

McDonalds meal

Alcohol use

Alcohol can also affect your sexual health.

An article from the National Institute of Health states that 72% of men with alcohol dependence had one or more sexual health problems, such as ED, premature ejaculation or low sexual desire.

Excessive alcohol consumption can reduce blood flow to your dick so you may not be able to get hard.

stop smoking

Men who smoke are about twice as likely to develop ED as nonsmokers.

Smoking hampers circulation to all areas of your body, including your cock, making it tougher to get and keep an erection.

Limp dick

Are there other things that can help?



Ugh! There is that word!

Yes, exercise can be very helpful.

Even a brisk 30-minute walk a day, 3-4 times a week can help!

In an article published in 2018 it was found exercising at least 2 1/2 hours a week helped reduce erectile problems that occur with obesity, high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease.

Pelvic floor exercises

Yep! Pelvic Floor exercises (Kegel) exercises aren't just for women.

Kegel exercises can benefit you as well!

Kegels help strengthen the bulbocavernosus muscle.

This important muscle has 3 jobs:

  • it allows the cock to engorge with blood during erection

  • it pumps during ejaculation

  • it helps empty the urethra after urination

You can do pelvic floor exercises in your car on the way to work!

final thoughts

If your partner isn't the most pleasant person to have a conversation with, of course you aren't going to want to have sex with her. Maybe there is more going on with your ED than just not being able to get hard, maybe your relationship needs help.

If your dick goes limp, you still have fingers and a tongue use them!

The average American time of thrusting with a hard cock after penetration is about 2 1/2 minutes! It takes a woman longer than that to get fully aroused and reach orgasm.

The most important thing you can do to have a satisfying sex life is to talk with your partner. Communicating with your partner is key, especially when you are coping with Erectile Dysfunction.

Talk openly about your desires and fears. If you are experiencing ED, your partner may worry that you no longer find them attractive. Or, they may feel like they are doing something wrong.

It's important to reassure each other and remain supportive.

You are not alone.

It is ok to ask for help if you need it.

I can help you and your partner work through issues and improve your sex life.

Reach out to me and let's work on getting your Sex Life back on track.

"I believe that, with anything in life, if you have the patience, desire and passion, you can do whatever you set your mind to". Ed Viesturs

My love and I going up the mountain to The Land Of Oz in Beech Mountain, NC.

The Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies! We enjoyed the day and enjoyed being together even more!

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U

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