Ask A Sex Coach-What is Intimacy? There are 4 different types of Intimacy. Part 2 of 2

Last week I talked about Emotional and Intellectual Intimacy. This week I want to talk about the other 2 types: Experiential and Spiritual Intimacy. All 4 types of intimacy discussed are as important as Physical intimacy.

When all 4 types are present in a relationship it feels amazing! Trust me! Mark and I have this in our relationship. We are very fortunate to have found one another and we work hard everyday to keep our relationship in and out of the bedroom amazing. If you are willing to do the work you can enjoy it too!

If you need to learn more about how to create and foster intimacy in your relationship, give me call!

Let's move on to the 3rd and 4th types of intimacy!

3. Experiential Intimacy

Shared experiences can lead to inside jokes and private memories that deepen intimacy between you and your partner. Teamwork and moving toward a common goal while creating experiences together also establishes a feeling of closeness. This bond is a result of Experiential Intimacy.

Our memories are closely linked to our senses. An example of this would be, when I smell chocolate cake baking in the oven, I remember visiting my grandmother's house. She always baked a cake for me when I visited. Now the smell of a chocolate cake baking stimulates the memory of my grandmother.

So, if the moment was pleasurable, it prompts the same energy we experienced at that time.

Examples of Experiential Intimacy

• You and your partner decide to get into better physical shape. This allows you to support and push each other toward a confidence building goal.

• You and your partner enjoy cooking a meal together. You are prepping the vegetables and your partner is getting the pots and pans ready on the stove.

• You both decide to go an a nice hike. Your partner is responsible for planning the route on the hike and you are responsible for packing snacks and water.

• You and your partner decide to visit a city neither of you have been to before. Together you are both able to discover and explore the city for the first time.

How can you Increase Experiential intimacy?

You can plan new adventures with your partner to increase Experiential Intimacy. Plan activities you haven't done together. Or, schedule a weekly date night at your favorite restaurant so that it becomes your spot. Mark and I love to go to Never Blue in Hendersonville, NC.

Each of you has your separate experiences. You don't have to collaborate on everything, however you need to have shared experiences. With shared experiences , your intimacy is interwoven with memories and acquired knowledge of one another. It exists in multiple spaces.

4. Spiritual intimacy

Spiritual Intimacy isn't necessarily about religion. However, it can be if you are religious.

This is more about a closeness that forms when you and your partner share passionate memories together. If you are religious, praying and worshipping as a couple can qualify as that moment. There are also many other examples of Spiritual Intimacy.

Examples of Spiritual intimacy

• You and your partner are at the beach and you watch the sunrise or set together, both of you marveling in the beauty.

• You and your partner take a walk through the park, holding hands, enjoying the beauty of nature and each other.

• You connect with your partner as you stand on top of Grandfather Mountain in awe, taking in the beauty of the mountains.

• You have a discussion about your ethics, sense of purpose and personal definitions of spirituality. This deepens your understanding of each another.

• You read your favorite poems to each other at night before going to bed. This helps you to relax and feel mutually attuned to one another before going to sleep.

Spiritual Intimacy allows for transcendent connection beyond logic and conscious thought. It helps to be intentional in improving this type of closeness. Although, sometimes, it can just happen in a moment. Try to find those moments. It could be as simple as looking at the moon together with your arms around one another just enjoying the beauty of it all. (This is one of our favorites)!

How can I increase spiritual intimacy?

Talk about Spirituality with your partner so each of you can discover experiences the other considers awe-inspiring. Then regularly schedule times to do things or something similar to those things.

The good thing about Spiritual Intimacy is that you don't have to exert much effort. Just create the opportunities and let the moment do the work!

What to do if you fear Intimacy?

This is not as uncommon as you might think. Many of my clients come into sessions with a fear of intimacy. Usually, they are holding onto a past experience that left them feeling hurt or disappointed.

Vulnerability is a must when achieving intimacy of any kind. This can be really scary. You have to take the risk of opening yourself up to your partner. You have to be willing to trust. Trust that your partner will see you and love you just the way you are.

Clients who are afraid of being intimate often have the desire for intimacy and the fear of being hurt or disappointed is stronger.

If you are struggling with intimacy in your relationship, please don't wait until it is too late. Call me today and let's get started on you living your best life!

My advice on overcoming fear of intimacy. Start with yourself. Learn how to become intimate with yourself so you can get comfortable with how it feels.

The bottom line

The non-physical types of intimacy discussed in this blog are 4 types of intimate relationships you can have with the same person.

Healthy relationships involve relating on many different levels not just physical.

Learning to engage in open, truthful communication, as well as working to understand your partner, helps create the exquisite feeling of closeness that strengthens your relationship.

Isn't your relationship worth it? Mine certainly is.

Intimacy is not purely physical. It is the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you can see into their soul.

My love and I at Flat Rock Park. One of we like to go, enjoy the beauty of nature and always each other.

Lisa Neville

Better Sex 4 U

828-585-7669

Ask a Sex Coach- What Is Intimacy? There Are 4 Different Types of Intimacy. Part 1 of 2

Often, clients reach out to me because they no longer feel a "connection" with their partner. Usually, it is because their sex life isn't what it used to be. After our first couple of sessions, they quickly realize that the connection they had with their partner outside of the bedroom isn't really there either.

So, what does Intimacy really mean?

The definition of Intimacy in the Merriam Webster Dictionary is:

1. The state of being intimate: Familiarity

2. Something of a personal or private nature

Some Synonyms of Intimacy: Belonging, Chumminess, Closeness, Familiarity, Inseparability, and Nearness.

Think about how these words feel in your body. They feel great! Right?

An Antonym of Intimacy: Distance

Think about how this word feels in your body. Not so great. Right?

Now, take a moment to think about the word Intimacy and apply it to your relationship. How does that feel in your body? Does it feel good and make you happy? Or, are you feeling empty and sad?

Struggling with intimacy? Reach out to me and let's talk!

Physical intimacy is most commonly used in reference to sex. Is sex an important part of your relationship with your partner? Absolutely!

You can also show physical intimacy through hugging, kissing, hand holding, cuddling and skin to skin touching. Do you do these things without feeling like you have to have sex? I hope so!

When you think about intimacy, is the first thing you think of sex? If it is, you are not alone. That is word most people think of. Sex is about being as close to another human being as possible.

However, did you know there are at least 4 types of Intimacy that do not include sex or touching at all? All of these are just as important in a romantic relationship as sex. Maybe even more so. When you are humming along as the Intimate human being you are, things like an amazing sex life will often fall right into place or the bed, the car or the kitchen counter.

In today's blog, I will talk about 2 types of intimacy. Emotional and Intellectual.

Next week, I will talk about the other 2 types. Experiential and Spiritual.

So stay tuned!

1. Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy involves candid and authentic sharing of thoughts and feelings. This means being able to tell each other your deepest fears, dreams, disappointments and most complicated emotions. You both also feel seen and really heard by one another.

Emotional intimacy means you both feel safe and comfortable with uninhibited expression around each other.

This is a "safe space" you both have cultivated by refraining from judgement or contempt when the other person is sharing.

We confide in the people we trust. We believe our partner is that person. They will not repeat anything we share in confidence. We also do not expect them to embarrass or belittle us.

Examples of Emotional intimacy

• You and your partner have a long and meaningful conversation about what you want out of your relationship. You both come out of the conversation feeling closer than ever and more understood.

• Your partner comes home and starts talking about something very stressful that happened at work. You are on your partners side of what happened. You ask questions to help them process what happened and validate their emotions.

• Your partner confides in you that she is unhappy with her body since having the baby. She trusts that you will offer her comfort and help her come up with solution if she asks for it. She doesn't want you to dismiss her feelings by telling her she "looks fine."

How can you increase your Emotional intimacy?

You can cultivate Emotional Intimacy in your relationship by engaging in deeper more thoughtful conversations together, talking about emotions and experiences you don't usually share with others.

You can also ask your partner thoughtful questions and be curious about they way they think and feel. Listen to understand rather than waiting to respond. Be careful not to invalidate your partners feelings by saying things like, "Don't feel that way." Or, "You shouldn't feel that way." Instead, say things like " I totally understand how you could feel that way". Or, "I would feel that way too if it were me in that situation".

You need to create an environment that is conducive to an open and honest dialogue between the two of you.

2. Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy is created when partners provide comfort with communicating beliefs and viewpoints.

Basically, each person in the relationship has the freedom to think for themselves and believes that their opinions are valued instead of feeling pressured to agree with the other partner.

This can encourage stimulating conversations. You feel closer to your partner who cares for you independent from your differences and respects your voice. So, what you believe and what you say matters.

Examples of Intellectual Intimacy

• You and your partner debate the importance of a college education. You respect and honor each others opinons. You just enjoy hearing your partners thoughts about it.

• You and your partner discuss the possibilities of other life in the universe. You both know there isn't a concrete answer to the question, "Are we alone in the universe?" Each of you can entertain ideas neither of you may have considered before.

• You and your partner read and discuss a book together. You are both excited to compare your takeaways from the book instead of telling each other what you thought the author meant. It is talking about what it meant to you both as individuals.

How can you increase intellectual intimacy?

You can create more Intellectual Intimacy by sparking discussions where you and your partner have a different perspective. Make a conscious effort to really be open and listen when you have these discussions.

You can also have conversations about ideas and abstract concepts like art, education, or social issues you are both passionate about. Ideas you are exploring together.

This type of intimacy is about connecting through logic and philosophical conversations. Sharing your beautiful minds with one another.

Remember, long term relationships require more than just chemistry in the bedroom. You need to cultivate the chemistry outside the bedroom too.

When you are engaging in all 4 of the different types of intimacy in your relationship it will be stronger and you both will feel more connected to one another.

Next week, I will talk about two more types of intimacy needed to keep the chemistry and connection in your relationship. So, until then!

"People think that intimacy is about sex. But, intimacy is about truth. When you realize that you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is "you're safe with me"- that's intimacy". Taylor Jenkins Reid

My love and I at a local winery enjoying some intimate conversations over a glass of wine.

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U

828-585-7669

Ask A Sex Coach- What Can A Woman Do If She Isn't Sexually Satisfied?

When I decided to write this blog post, I wanted to do some preliminary research into what other people were saying about women not being sexually satisfied. I have to say I was pretty disappointed with my findings.

I found several articles that mentioned it was the woman's fault. These articles where written by men and women. In the articles written by men, they primarily talked about everything they were doing right and everything women were doing wrong. So, I thought ok- that is a mans perspective. I decided to look at articles women had written. Again, a lot of women wrote about how it was the women's fault. Which was actually kind of shocking!

However, what I noticed in most of the articles written it was about how women just placate. Women don't ask for what they want. Women don't really know what they want. Women just "go along to get along" and wait for it to be over. You know what, they are right! I used be one of those women.

A lot of women are taught at a young age to be subservient to their partners. Our partners needs come before ours. We were taught to give away our power. It is time to take it back!

Women, you don't have to feel disconnected from your intimacy, your sensuality, your power and pleasure.

You don't have to feel alone with your secrets about your perceived inadequacies and flaws all tied up inside you and aching for release. There are so many amazing ways of reaching self intimacy and empowerment.

I want you to really take in my blog, to understand more about what you need to do to feel alive, to thrive, to be empowered and to be the sexual goddess you are!

There are times when women come to me, that have just accepted that their sexual pleasure doesn't really matter and that being sexually frustrated is just "normal". I have to say that statement stings every time I hear it. It hurts my heart. It truly doesn't have to be that way. Women deserve to loved, adored and pleasured. We deserve to feel sexually satisified.

What does a sexually dissatisfied women look like? Well, she looks like you and me.

What does it mean to be a sexually dissatisfied?

• You are a sexually dissatisfied when you don't experience sex as enjoyable, engaging, pleasurable, fun or a turn on.

• Over time, you want sex less and less.

Dissatisfaction happens when you want sex to be different and it just isn't.

• You feel frustrated that you never feel full and complete.

Frustration is a key feeling. It is what makes the gap between where you are and where you want to be more painful.

If you didn't feel frustrated about your shitty sex life, you wouldn't feel dissatisfied. Right?

• Sometimes you may think it is because of what your partner does or doesn't do in the bedroom. (Maybe?)

• Sometimes you may think it is because you aren't sexual enough. (Never!)

• Maybe you think it is because things aren't going well for you two together as a couple. (It very well could be this!)

So, what's not going to help your sex life is doing the same things over and over again and hoping it is going to be better. It's not going to get better until something changes.

If you just don't know what to do to make it better, reach out to me and let's talk.

Something in you knows that you are sexually dissatisfied. You know that sex and intimacy could be different, it could be better. Maybe it has been better. Maybe something has changed. Some women come to see me for this very reason. They are looking for a better sex life and more intimacy in their relationship.

When you are feeling dissatisfied, it is easy to act like you don't care. Everything is "fine".

Fine is probably one of the most passive aggressive words in the English language.

I'm Fine!

Rather than pretending you don't care about what happens in the bedroom, let's take a look at the truth.

Women care so much.

You care so much.

If you didn't care, you wouldn't be reading this.

Now that you know that you really do care, a question I have for you is......

Are you willing to change the story you tell yourself or your friends about how sexually dissatisfied you are, to being so sexually satisfied that you now feel like the sex goddess you are?

Awesome! Let's do it!

Before we do that, it may help to know what happens when you aren't sexually satisfied.

What happens when a woman isn't sexually satisfied?

When a women isn't sexually satisfied, she may become angry and bitter.

How this is expressed can vary in women. It could be expressed as fear, worry and sometimes rage.

Some women:

• are vocal about what isn't working and why they are dissatisfied.

• say nothing- the silent treatment- so hurt they want their partner to feel it too.

• will distract themselves and stay busy with family and work.

Signs you are not sexually satisfied

If you are not sexually satisfied you might-

• say "don't worry about me." Some women say this when they aren't satisfied and don't now what would satisfy them.

• not feel like having sex - ever. If sex was satisfying you would want more if it and possibly self pleasure more.

• reminisce about past lovers and compare them to your current partner.

• look for sexual connections with other people either online or in person.

• avoid sex and talking about sex with your partner.

• increase self pleasure as a safe substitute for partnered sex.

• feel so frustrated that you have moved into apathy, not only with sex but connection, affection and other forms of intimacy with your partner.

What can you do if you are sexually dissatisfied?

When you are sexually dissatisfied you can't leave it that way. It is a wake up call.

It is time to take an active approach to your sexual satisfaction.

First, we need to start in your head.

Answer this question.....

Sexual satisfaction to me is___________________.

This is the first thing you need to know.

• What do you need?

• What do you want?

You and your partners thoughts may look and sound very different.

And, that's OK! You are two very different people! How boring would it be if you were the same?

Take a deep breath, drop the notion of what you should say sexual satisfaction is and answer these questions.

• How will I know if I am sexually satisfied?

• What will I feel inside?

• What will I look like on the outside?

If you need help answering these questions reach out to me today. Let's schedule your free 30-minute consultation.

Pleasure is the foundation of your sex life. You need to know what makes you feel good. Then, you can communicate what it is you want and only then get closer to the sexual satisfaction you crave.

How do you know what you would enjoy in sex?

Let's Brainstorm!

What happens within sex that helps you get closer to sexual satisfaction?

Is it:

• Receiving oral

• Giving oral

• Doing some breath work together

• Receiving a full body massage with your favorite oil

• Taking time to talk, dance, connect before sex

• Being taken by your partner. Surrendering can be satisfying.

• Guiding your partners hand to show them what you like

• Taking the lead in initiating sex

• Slowly make love

• Fucking hard and fast

• Different sexual positions- change it up

• Get out the sex toys

• Using role-play or outfits, sexy lingerie, masks, blindfolds

• Hearing how hot and sexy you are, how incredibly beautiful you are

• Having other parts of your body touched with different types of sensations

• Include scents, drinks, food, music or other sensation play

Explore! Play!

Not much satisfaction is going to happen if you are bored.

How do you talk with your partner about not being sexually satisfied?

• Schedule a time to talk. Not right after sex.

• Get specific about what you need to feel sexually satisfied. Be clear in your communication.

How many times have you been asked what you want or how you like it only to have shrugged your shoulders and said, "I don't know".

If you haven't explored your own body, know what you want and how you like it how can you expect your partner to know.

It is time to speak up and take back your power!

My advice is to focus on how you want things to change for you so you are both sexually satisfied.

When you are sexually empowered, there is little time to focus on anger or to be bitter.

When you are in your power, you don't feel like you are falling short anymore.

You feel liberated and empowered when you take control of your own sexual satisfaction!

There will be no more miscommunication. No more passively waiting for the magical day when everything works.

You make your own magic happen!

No more saying "Don't worry about me" in the bedroom or out of the bedroom!

Your powerful sexy self awaits!

Are you ready?

Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it's the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can't take it. And at this moment you're a part of them.~Thom York

I love this man!

My love and I on our wedding day. This was absolutely one of the best days of my life! Through working and getting back into my power I found the love of my life.

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U

www.bettersex4u.net

828-585-7669