Ask A Sex Coach- What Can A Woman Do If She Isn't Sexually Satisfied?

When I decided to write this blog post, I wanted to do some preliminary research into what other people were saying about women not being sexually satisfied. I have to say I was pretty disappointed with my findings.

I found several articles that mentioned it was the woman's fault. These articles where written by men and women. In the articles written by men, they primarily talked about everything they were doing right and everything women were doing wrong. So, I thought ok- that is a mans perspective. I decided to look at articles women had written. Again, a lot of women wrote about how it was the women's fault. Which was actually kind of shocking!

However, what I noticed in most of the articles written it was about how women just placate. Women don't ask for what they want. Women don't really know what they want. Women just "go along to get along" and wait for it to be over. You know what, they are right! I used be one of those women.

A lot of women are taught at a young age to be subservient to their partners. Our partners needs come before ours. We were taught to give away our power. It is time to take it back!

Women, you don't have to feel disconnected from your intimacy, your sensuality, your power and pleasure.

You don't have to feel alone with your secrets about your perceived inadequacies and flaws all tied up inside you and aching for release. There are so many amazing ways of reaching self intimacy and empowerment.

I want you to really take in my blog, to understand more about what you need to do to feel alive, to thrive, to be empowered and to be the sexual goddess you are!

There are times when women come to me, that have just accepted that their sexual pleasure doesn't really matter and that being sexually frustrated is just "normal". I have to say that statement stings every time I hear it. It hurts my heart. It truly doesn't have to be that way. Women deserve to loved, adored and pleasured. We deserve to feel sexually satisified.

What does a sexually dissatisfied women look like? Well, she looks like you and me.

What does it mean to be a sexually dissatisfied?

• You are a sexually dissatisfied when you don't experience sex as enjoyable, engaging, pleasurable, fun or a turn on.

• Over time, you want sex less and less.

Dissatisfaction happens when you want sex to be different and it just isn't.

• You feel frustrated that you never feel full and complete.

Frustration is a key feeling. It is what makes the gap between where you are and where you want to be more painful.

If you didn't feel frustrated about your shitty sex life, you wouldn't feel dissatisfied. Right?

• Sometimes you may think it is because of what your partner does or doesn't do in the bedroom. (Maybe?)

• Sometimes you may think it is because you aren't sexual enough. (Never!)

• Maybe you think it is because things aren't going well for you two together as a couple. (It very well could be this!)

So, what's not going to help your sex life is doing the same things over and over again and hoping it is going to be better. It's not going to get better until something changes.

If you just don't know what to do to make it better, reach out to me and let's talk.

Something in you knows that you are sexually dissatisfied. You know that sex and intimacy could be different, it could be better. Maybe it has been better. Maybe something has changed. Some women come to see me for this very reason. They are looking for a better sex life and more intimacy in their relationship.

When you are feeling dissatisfied, it is easy to act like you don't care. Everything is "fine".

Fine is probably one of the most passive aggressive words in the English language.

I'm Fine!

Rather than pretending you don't care about what happens in the bedroom, let's take a look at the truth.

Women care so much.

You care so much.

If you didn't care, you wouldn't be reading this.

Now that you know that you really do care, a question I have for you is......

Are you willing to change the story you tell yourself or your friends about how sexually dissatisfied you are, to being so sexually satisfied that you now feel like the sex goddess you are?

Awesome! Let's do it!

Before we do that, it may help to know what happens when you aren't sexually satisfied.

What happens when a woman isn't sexually satisfied?

When a women isn't sexually satisfied, she may become angry and bitter.

How this is expressed can vary in women. It could be expressed as fear, worry and sometimes rage.

Some women:

• are vocal about what isn't working and why they are dissatisfied.

• say nothing- the silent treatment- so hurt they want their partner to feel it too.

• will distract themselves and stay busy with family and work.

Signs you are not sexually satisfied

If you are not sexually satisfied you might-

• say "don't worry about me." Some women say this when they aren't satisfied and don't now what would satisfy them.

• not feel like having sex - ever. If sex was satisfying you would want more if it and possibly self pleasure more.

• reminisce about past lovers and compare them to your current partner.

• look for sexual connections with other people either online or in person.

• avoid sex and talking about sex with your partner.

• increase self pleasure as a safe substitute for partnered sex.

• feel so frustrated that you have moved into apathy, not only with sex but connection, affection and other forms of intimacy with your partner.

What can you do if you are sexually dissatisfied?

When you are sexually dissatisfied you can't leave it that way. It is a wake up call.

It is time to take an active approach to your sexual satisfaction.

First, we need to start in your head.

Answer this question.....

Sexual satisfaction to me is___________________.

This is the first thing you need to know.

• What do you need?

• What do you want?

You and your partners thoughts may look and sound very different.

And, that's OK! You are two very different people! How boring would it be if you were the same?

Take a deep breath, drop the notion of what you should say sexual satisfaction is and answer these questions.

• How will I know if I am sexually satisfied?

• What will I feel inside?

• What will I look like on the outside?

If you need help answering these questions reach out to me today. Let's schedule your free 30-minute consultation.

Pleasure is the foundation of your sex life. You need to know what makes you feel good. Then, you can communicate what it is you want and only then get closer to the sexual satisfaction you crave.

How do you know what you would enjoy in sex?

Let's Brainstorm!

What happens within sex that helps you get closer to sexual satisfaction?

Is it:

• Receiving oral

• Giving oral

• Doing some breath work together

• Receiving a full body massage with your favorite oil

• Taking time to talk, dance, connect before sex

• Being taken by your partner. Surrendering can be satisfying.

• Guiding your partners hand to show them what you like

• Taking the lead in initiating sex

• Slowly make love

• Fucking hard and fast

• Different sexual positions- change it up

• Get out the sex toys

• Using role-play or outfits, sexy lingerie, masks, blindfolds

• Hearing how hot and sexy you are, how incredibly beautiful you are

• Having other parts of your body touched with different types of sensations

• Include scents, drinks, food, music or other sensation play

Explore! Play!

Not much satisfaction is going to happen if you are bored.

How do you talk with your partner about not being sexually satisfied?

• Schedule a time to talk. Not right after sex.

• Get specific about what you need to feel sexually satisfied. Be clear in your communication.

How many times have you been asked what you want or how you like it only to have shrugged your shoulders and said, "I don't know".

If you haven't explored your own body, know what you want and how you like it how can you expect your partner to know.

It is time to speak up and take back your power!

My advice is to focus on how you want things to change for you so you are both sexually satisfied.

When you are sexually empowered, there is little time to focus on anger or to be bitter.

When you are in your power, you don't feel like you are falling short anymore.

You feel liberated and empowered when you take control of your own sexual satisfaction!

There will be no more miscommunication. No more passively waiting for the magical day when everything works.

You make your own magic happen!

No more saying "Don't worry about me" in the bedroom or out of the bedroom!

Your powerful sexy self awaits!

Are you ready?

Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it's the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can't take it. And at this moment you're a part of them.~Thom York

I love this man!

My love and I on our wedding day. This was absolutely one of the best days of my life! Through working and getting back into my power I found the love of my life.

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U

www.bettersex4u.net

828-585-7669

Ask a Sex Coach-How Can I Have Great Sex?

Great news! Practice makes perfect!

When we do things we enjoy it increases our endorphins or our feel good hormones. It can be anything from having sex, laughing, making art, exercising or anything that brings us joy. This helps build our neuropathic pathways so we can feel arousal more easily. So, why not have fun!

Great sex is more than just fucking. It is about how connected or how close we are to our partner both inside and outside the bedroom.

Ask yourself these questions. How much time do we spend together? I mean really together, not just running the kids around or talking about work. I mean spending quality time together, talking about our desires, our hopes, our dreams outside of the kids and outside of our crazy work schedules. How often do we hold hands, kiss, cuddle, shower together or say "I love you"?

Schedule a time to have check-ins on how your relationship is doing outside and inside the bedroom.

Here are 10 talking points you can discuss during your conversations.

10 Tips to Great sex!

1. Communicate- tell your partner what you want. Talk about it before you have sex. Schedule a time. If it helps write down the things you want. You have to make what you want clear. Your partner is not a mind reader, they may think you are really into something and you aren't. Take notes, ask questions, repeat back what you heard your partner say. Having a Sex Coach can help you gain clarity on what you want and coach you in having a conversation with your partner.

2. Give your partner a confidence boost. Let your partner know how much you enjoy

just being with them. Let them know how attractive they are, how much you love

having sex with them and how you feel when they touch you in certain way. It doesn't

have to just be about sex. It could be a compliment on a wonderful meal that was

prepared or a thank you for stopping to put gas in the car so you didn't have to.

3. Keep things spontaneous in the bedroom. Mix it up. Take turns initiating sex so

one partner isn't always the initiator. Try teasing, changing positions, get a sex pillow,

introduce new sex toys, wear something sexy or try having sex in new places outside of

the bedroom. This will keep your erotic energy flowing. If you aren't sure how to do

these things or even where to start, as your Sex Coach I can help.

4. Have lots of foreplay outside the bedroom. The brain is our largest sex organ so

mental foreplay is important. Send sexy texts and pictures to your partner. Put a note in

their car letting them know what you are going to do to them when they get home.

Wear something you know your partner finds sexy. Wear their favorite scent. Wear

  some sexy lingerie under your clothes. Cultivate a rich fantasy life. Read or listen to an

erotic book or watch porn together. This helps you get aroused too!

5. Have lots of foreplay inside the bedroom. Play! Have fun! Don't rush! Get creative!

Introduce new toys, have oral sex, role-play, put on costumes, create a sexy space or

use dirty talk. This is where having the conversation with your partner is helpful. You will

already know some things that turn them on. If you are struggling with any of these,

contact me. I can help.

6. Forget about "normal" sex. In a recent survey done by Healthline, women like to

have a variety of sex.

• 17% have tried bondage

• 20% have used a blindfold

• 30% have had anal sex

• 62% masturbate 3 to 4 times a week

• 40% use vibrators

• 14% look at online porn

• 70% need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm

• 18% prefer oral sex

7. Try Mutual Masturbation. Watching your partner self-pleasure is a great way to see

what works for them. It can also be a big turn on to see and hear your partner

pleasuring themselves. Not all partners are comfortable with this. There is a lot of

vulnerability here and if there are body image issues this can be really uncomfortable.

Again, I can coach you in this.

8. Orgasm before fucking. This can be really important for women. When a woman

has an orgasm the pussy expands and gets wet while she becomes engorged

with blood making her more sensitive to touch. Therefore, sex is more pleasurable!

Use toys, fingers and oral sex to get her there!

9. Do your Kegels. This goes for men and women. These are also known as pelvic floor

exercises. This can help women strengthen these muscles to tighten around their

partner causing a different sensation for both of you. In men, this can help with

premature ejaculation. I help my clients master this exercise.

10. Consider opening up your relationship.This is definitely a conversation that needs

to be had with your partner. Many couples find that opening up the relationship can

lead to more fulfilling sex lives, especially if one or both partners are bisexual. This

doesn't have to be permanent. You can create parameters around what is acceptable,

set a time frame or be specific about the number of people, whatever makes you feel

comfortable and confident. Having sex outside of a relationship can sometimes

strengthen your connection and give you ideas for your sex together.

We are all entitled to have fabulous sex. Not everyone knows how to have great sex or even where to start.

If you are struggling with having amazing sex in your relationship don't wait to reach out and get help.

Contact me today!

Reclaim your sexuality.

You are worth it.

Your relationship is worth it.

She didn't want soft and gentle. She needed his rough possession, claiming her, branding her, taking her in a firestorm of heat and flame that would end the world around them, leaving them nothing but ashes, clean and fierce and forever welded together. - Christine Foohan

My love and I at The Wrights Brother Monument in Kill Devil Hills, OBX NC.

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Bettersex4u

Ask a Sex Coach- Sexless Relationship: What Can I Do If I Am In One?

Clients come to me with this question quite often. I have been in sexless relationships. I know what that is like.

Basic facts and stats

Let's start with some basic facts. Numbers and facts can help give you a clearer picture of how frequent this occurs and what other things may be contributing.

• Gen X and Millennials have the least amount of sex of any previous generation- it is not clear why. It could be there just simply isn't enough information since these are young age groups.

• After 4 years of marriage, only 48% of married woman want regular sex. This could be due to the stress of family and work obligations.

• Sexless relationship stats show, 12% of midlife women and 7% of 65 and older women report low libido. This is likely related to menopause and post menopause.

• Experts define sexless relationship as having sex less than 10 times a year or less than once a month.

• About 61% of people believe intimacy is essential for a good relationship. This number implies that 39% of people do not consider intimacy important or they just may have learned to cope without it.

• Roughly 27% of women and 15% of men stated they did not have sex in the last 12 months.

• Couples in sexless relationships consider separation or divorce more often than sexually active couples.

Why are you not having sex?

The reasons you aren't having sex is very important. Lack of sex can be symptoms of much bigger problems in the relationship.

It could be lack of trust and closeness or a health issue one of you may have. It can also be trust has eroded or confidence has been damaged. There can be feelings of loneliness, resentment, frustration, guilt, rejection and inadequacy. Sound familiar?

There is a strong stigma around the issue of a sexless relationship. This can prevent folks from getting the help they need.

Hopefully, giving you a realistic view will help you to understand the problem, help you deal with and get the help you need to save your relationship.

What can you do?

So, now what can you do? How can you go from just being roommates, having a lack of emotional intimacy, resenting your partner, or being bored in the relationship? Is it too late?

The sooner you start working on the problem the better chance you have of living your best life again. So, don't wait!

First, we need to break down what is happening in the relationship. What caused the sex to dissipate? There can be numerous causes for this.

When couples drift apart, lose connection, take each other for granted or build up resentment toward each other, their sex life is drastically impacted.

Open communication is a key piece to working your way out of a sexless relationship. You have to talk about what is going on! Often, couples don't know how to have these conversations. We aren't taught how to talk about our feelings or sex. I help facilitate this in session so each partner can speak their truth and be heard.

Other things can also impact your level of desire and may not be as easy to pinpoint.

For both men and women there can be medical and medication issues that effect desire. Schedule an appointment with your health care provider. Are there other medications you can try? Are there supplements that you can take? Perhaps there are alternative therapies you can try such as acupuncture, massage, hormone therapy or physical therapy.

10 Other things you can try

It can be very easy to just resign to having a sexless relationship. And, you don't have to. It is okay to ask for help.

Let's talk about other things you can try.

• Talk with your partner about what it was like before, when did things change and what was going on at the time?

• Ask your partner if they are happy with the way things are now? If they could change something, what would it be?

• Make time to connect with each other, have fun, bond, flirt, try new things, tease, compliment one another and set new goals for yourselves.

• Don't try to go back to the way things used to be. You are not the same people you were. You are different, older, more mature, your fantasies and desires are different now.

People waste too much time talking about how little sex they are having and not what they can do to make it better. I can help you have those conversations and get out of the rut of complaining. I can help you move in the direction of having Better Sex. Sex you and your partner both enjoy.

• You need to nurture emotional intimacy. We can work through any areas of resentment you may have for one another. I help you get back to fostering emotional closeness through increased time together, intimate conversations and affection.

• Feeling relaxed during sex is key to sexual responsiveness. Anxiety tends to kill the mood which leads to less sex. Get out of your head and into your body. When you have been in your head all day because of work or family obligations, it can be a struggle to connect with your body and tap into your sexual energy.

Practice tuning into your body during self-pleasure. When you feel yourself thinking about all the things you need to do today, bring your mind back to your body, remind yourself you deserve to be right were you are and notice what sensations you are feeling. You will get the most out of sex if you are present in your body and not in your head.

• Stop worrying about having an orgasm. For couples that stress over the state of their sex lives, you need to remember that having an orgasm is not the end all and be all of sex. If orgasm happens great! That's the icing on the cake! If not, that's ok too. Enjoy one another. Play, kiss, take a shower together, give each other a massage or talk about your fantasies.

• Learn to work around sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation or lack of lubrication in women. These can often make partners apprehensive about initiating sex. There maybe a fear of what might happen or maybe letting your partner down.

• Widen your definition of great sex! There are infinite ways to delight your partner that don't depend on a hard dick or a wet pussy. Switch it up! There are all kinds of tricks you can have up your sleeve that will make your time together hot!

• Lastly, STOP comparing your sex life to others! People tend to believe that everyone's sex life is better than theirs. If you are worried about your sex life, have a conversation about it with your partner.

If you are unable to do this on your own, get help. Reach out to me and schedule an appointment. We can work together to get you to a better place.

My previous marriage was sexless. We had other core issues in our relationship as well. I felt sad, angry, frustrated and alone. I felt alone living in the same house as my husband. I was miserable. I searched for companionship and connection outside of my marriage on more than one occasion. I am not proud of that and I did it. I had no idea how to have a conversation about what I was feeling or even where to go for help.

In the end, I left my husband and we divorced. We had other serious issues in our relationship previous to not having sex. We didn't seek help. For me, it was too late. The damage had been done. All I wanted was out.

After leaving my marriage, I worked really hard to become the person I am today. I worked to get to a place in my own life where if I chose to be in another relationship that I would do things differently. So, here I am! I am married to the love of my life! We are able to talk about things openly and honestly regardless of the topic.

I want to help others in the same situation I was in. We all deserve to be happy, loved, respected, valued and to have great sex! If you are in a situation where you don:t have these things, don't wait until it is too late to get the help that you need. Your relationship is worth it. Don't wait.

"A couple may disagree on many things, but they absolutely must agree to never give up."

My love and I at Rhythm and Brews in downtown Hendersonville. Enjoying great music, a cold beer and most of all each other.

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U

www.bettersex4u.net