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  • Writer's pictureLisa Neville

Great news! Practice makes perfect!

When we do things we enjoy it increases our endorphins or our feel good hormones. It can be anything from having sex, laughing, making art, exercising or anything that brings us joy. This helps build our neuropathic pathways so we can feel arousal more easily. So, why not have fun!

Great sex is more than just fucking. It is about how connected or how close we are to our partner both inside and outside the bedroom.

Ask yourself these questions. How much time do we spend together? I mean really together, not just running the kids around or talking about work. I mean spending quality time together, talking about our desires, our hopes, our dreams outside of the kids and outside of our crazy work schedules. How often do we hold hands, kiss, cuddle, shower together or say "I love you"?

Schedule a time to have check-ins on how your relationship is doing outside and inside the bedroom.

Here are 10 talking points you can discuss during your conversations.

10 Tips to Great sex!
  1. Communicate- tell your partner what you want. Talk about it before you have sex. Schedule a time. If it helps write down the things you want. You have to make what you want clear. Your partner is not a mind reader, they may think you are really into something and you aren't. Take notes, ask questions, repeat back what you heard your partner say. Having a Sex Coach can help you gain clarity on what you want and coach you in having a conversation with your partner.

2. Give your partner a confidence boost. Let your partner know how much you enjoy

just being with them. Let them know how attractive they are, how much you love

having sex with them and how you feel when they touch you in certain way. It doesn't

have to just be about sex. It could be a compliment on a wonderful meal that was

prepared or a thank you for stopping to put gas in the car so you didn't have to.

3. Keep things spontaneous in the bedroom. Mix it up. Take turns initiating sex so

one partner isn't always the initiator. Try teasing, changing positions, get a sex pillow,

introduce new sex toys, wear something sexy or try having sex in new places outside of

the bedroom. This will keep your erotic energy flowing. If you aren't sure how to do

these things or even where to start, as your Sex Coach I can help.

4. Have lots of foreplay outside the bedroom. The brain is our largest sex organ so

mental foreplay is important. Send sexy texts and pictures to your partner. Put a note in

their car letting them know what you are going to do to them when they get home.

Wear something you know your partner finds sexy. Wear their favorite scent. Wear

  some sexy lingerie under your clothes. Cultivate a rich fantasy life. Read or listen to an

erotic book or watch porn together. This helps you get aroused too!

5. Have lots of foreplay inside the bedroom. Play! Have fun! Don't rush! Get creative!

Introduce new toys, have oral sex, role-play, put on costumes, create a sexy space or

use dirty talk. This is where having the conversation with your partner is helpful. You will

already know some things that turn them on. If you are struggling with any of these,

contact me. I can help.

6. Forget about "normal" sex. In a recent survey done by Healthline, women like to

have a variety of sex.

  • 17% have tried bondage

  • 20% have used a blindfold

  • 30% have had anal sex

  • 62% masturbate 3 to 4 times a week

  • 40% use vibrators

  • 14% look at online porn

  • 70% need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm

  • 18% prefer oral sex

7. Try Mutual Masturbation. Watching your partner self-pleasure is a great way to see

what works for them. It can also be a big turn on to see and hear your partner

pleasuring themselves. Not all partners are comfortable with this. There is a lot of

vulnerability here and if there are body image issues this can be really uncomfortable.

Again, I can coach you in this.

8. Orgasm before fucking. This can be really important for women. When a woman

has an orgasm the pussy expands and gets wet while she becomes engorged

with blood making her more sensitive to touch. Therefore, sex is more pleasurable!

Use toys, fingers and oral sex to get her there!

9. Do your Kegels. This goes for men and women. These are also known as pelvic floor

exercises. This can help women strengthen these muscles to tighten around their

partner causing a different sensation for both of you. In men, this can help with

premature ejaculation. I help my clients master this exercise.

10. Consider opening up your relationship.This is definitely a conversation that needs

to be had with your partner. Many couples find that opening up the relationship can

lead to more fulfilling sex lives, especially if one or both partners are bisexual. This

doesn't have to be permanent. You can create parameters around what is acceptable,

set a time frame or be specific about the number of people, whatever makes you feel

comfortable and confident. Having sex outside of a relationship can sometimes

strengthen your connection and give you ideas for your sex together.

We are all entitled to have fabulous sex. Not everyone knows how to have great sex or even where to start.

If you are struggling with having amazing sex in your relationship don't wait to reach out and get help.

Contact me today!

Reclaim your sexuality.

You are worth it.

Your relationship is worth it.

She didn't want soft and gentle. She needed his rough possession, claiming her, branding her, taking her in a firestorm of heat and flame that would end the world around them, leaving them nothing but ashes, clean and fierce and forever welded together. - Christine Foohan

My love and I at The Wrights Brother Monument in Kill Devil Hills, OBX NC.

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach


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Clients come to me with this question quite often. I have been in sexless relationships. I know what that is like.

Basic facts and stats

Let's start with some basic facts. Numbers and facts can help give you a clearer picture of how frequent this occurs and what other things may be contributing.

  • Gen X and Millennials have the least amount of sex of any previous generation- it is not clear why. It could be there just simply isn't enough information since these are young age groups.

  • After 4 years of marriage, only 48% of married woman want regular sex. This could be due to the stress of family and work obligations.

  • Sexless relationship stats show, 12% of midlife women and 7% of 65 and older women report low libido. This is likely related to menopause and post menopause.

  • Experts define sexless relationship as having sex less than 10 times a year or less than once a month.

  • About 61% of people believe intimacy is essential for a good relationship. This number implies that 39% of people do not consider intimacy important or they just may have learned to cope without it.

  • Roughly 27% of women and 15% of men stated they did not have sex in the last 12 months.

  • Couples in sexless relationships consider separation or divorce more often than sexually active couples.

Why are you not having sex?

The reasons you aren't having sex is very important. Lack of sex can be symptoms of much bigger problems in the relationship.

It could be lack of trust and closeness or a health issue one of you may have. It can also be trust has eroded or confidence has been damaged. There can be feelings of loneliness, resentment, frustration, guilt, rejection and inadequacy. Sound familiar?

There is a strong stigma around the issue of a sexless relationship. This can prevent folks from getting the help they need.

Hopefully, giving you a realistic view will help you to understand the problem, help you deal with and get the help you need to save your relationship.

What can you do?

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So, now what can you do? How can you go from just being roommates, having a lack of emotional intimacy, resenting your partner, or being bored in the relationship? Is it too late?

The sooner you start working on the problem the better chance you have of living your best life again. So, don't wait!

First, we need to break down what is happening in the relationship. What caused the sex to dissipate? There can be numerous causes for this.

When couples drift apart, lose connection, take each other for granted or build up resentment toward each other, their sex life is drastically impacted.

Open communication is a key piece to working your way out of a sexless relationship. You have to talk about what is going on! Often, couples don't know how to have these conversations. We aren't taught how to talk about our feelings or sex. I help facilitate this in session so each partner can speak their truth and be heard.

Other things can also impact your level of desire and may not be as easy to pinpoint.

For both men and women there can be medical and medication issues that effect desire. Schedule an appointment with your health care provider. Are there other medications you can try? Are there supplements that you can take? Perhaps there are alternative therapies you can try such as acupuncture, massage, hormone therapy or physical therapy.

10 Other things you can try

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It can be very easy to just resign to having a sexless relationship. And, you don't have to. It is okay to ask for help.

Let's talk about other things you can try.

  • Talk with your partner about what it was like before, when did things change and what was going on at the time?

  • Ask your partner if they are happy with the way things are now? If they could change something, what would it be?

  • Make time to connect with each other, have fun, bond, flirt, try new things, tease, compliment one another and set new goals for yourselves.

  • Don't try to go back to the way things used to be. You are not the same people you were. You are different, older, more mature, your fantasies and desires are different now.

People waste too much time talking about how little sex they are having and not what they can do to make it better. I can help you have those conversations and get out of the rut of complaining. I can help you move in the direction of having Better Sex. Sex you and your partner both enjoy.

  • You need to nurture emotional intimacy. We can work through any areas of resentment you may have for one another. I help you get back to fostering emotional closeness through increased time together, intimate conversations and affection.

  • Feeling relaxed during sex is key to sexual responsiveness. Anxiety tends to kill the mood which leads to less sex. Get out of your head and into your body. When you have been in your head all day because of work or family obligations, it can be a struggle to connect with your body and tap into your sexual energy.

Practice tuning into your body during self-pleasure. When you feel yourself thinking about all the things you need to do today, bring your mind back to your body, remind yourself you deserve to be right were you are and notice what sensations you are feeling. You will get the most out of sex if you are present in your body and not in your head.

  • Stop worrying about having an orgasm. For couples that stress over the state of their sex lives, you need to remember that having an orgasm is not the end all and be all of sex. If orgasm happens great! That's the icing on the cake! If not, that's ok too. Enjoy one another. Play, kiss, take a shower together, give each other a massage or talk about your fantasies.

  • Learn to work around sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation or lack of lubrication in women. These can often make partners apprehensive about initiating sex. There maybe a fear of what might happen or maybe letting your partner down.

  • Widen your definition of great sex! There are infinite ways to delight your partner that don't depend on a hard dick or a wet pussy. Switch it up! There are all kinds of tricks you can have up your sleeve that will make your time together hot!

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  • Lastly, STOP comparing your sex life to others! People tend to believe that everyone's sex life is better than theirs. If you are worried about your sex life, have a conversation about it with your partner.

If you are unable to do this on your own, get help. Reach out to me and schedule an appointment. We can work together to get you to a better place.

My previous marriage was sexless. We had other core issues in our relationship as well. I felt sad, angry, frustrated and alone. I felt alone living in the same house as my husband. I was miserable. I searched for companionship and connection outside of my marriage on more than one occasion. I am not proud of that and I did it. I had no idea how to have a conversation about what I was feeling or even where to go for help.

In the end, I left my husband and we divorced. We had other serious issues in our relationship previous to not having sex. We didn't seek help. For me, it was too late. The damage had been done. All I wanted was out.

After leaving my marriage, I worked really hard to become the person I am today. I worked to get to a place in my own life where if I chose to be in another relationship that I would do things differently. So, here I am! I am married to the love of my life! We are able to talk about things openly and honestly regardless of the topic.

I want to help others in the same situation I was in. We all deserve to be happy, loved, respected, valued and to have great sex! If you are in a situation where you don:t have these things, don't wait until it is too late to get the help that you need. Your relationship is worth it. Don't wait.

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"A couple may disagree on many things, but they absolutely must agree to never give up."

Better Sex Life, relationship coach, Sex Coach, intimacy coach

My love and I at Rhythm and Brews in downtown Hendersonville. Enjoying great music, a cold beer and most of all each other.

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U

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  • Writer's pictureLisa Neville

I am often asked this question by male clients. Does size really matter? In short, NO!

Believe this or not, men are much more concerned about the size of their dicks than women. Society plays a big role in this. Media wants us to believe if you don't have a big dick you can not bring a women to orgasm. Regardless, of what you heard in gym class, in the locker room, or by watching porn this simply isn't the truth.

The average size of a flaccid dick is around 3.61 inches in length and 3.5 inches in girth. The average size of an erect dick is around 5.2 inches in length and 4.5 inches in girth. For most women, girth is more important than the length of a mans dick.

For some women, being too big is much more of a problem because it can be painful. Being too big can also be a problem during oral and anal sex. Too much girth can also tear a women's vagina.

A big dick doesn't last longer than a small dick, keep a man from running out of steam, or make you come faster. However, having a big or a small cock can affect how you have sex. It is up to you to learn to make the most with what you have. Working with a Sex Coach can help you with that.

Some men think having a big cock is all that is needed to bring a women to orgasm. It's not. Men with smaller cocks may have less confidence and try to overcompensate. It is not the size but what you do with it that matters.

I have had amazing sex with men that had smaller than average dicks. They had amazing oral sex skills or knew how to position themselves to rub along my pelvis to bring me to clitoral orgasm. I have also had really bad sex with men who had big dicks. They were all about how big they were and thought just penetration would bring me to orgasm. It is all in how you use what you have.

We aren't taught to even have sex much less great sex . We fumble around and hope that what we are doing feels good to our partner. If our partner isn't telling us the truth or doesn't know what really good sex is, you both stay stuck in bad sex. Why would you choose to have bad sex when you can have a Sex Coach teach you how to have great sex?

Did you know there are certain sex positions that can be used just for your size and girth? Positions both you and your partner can enjoy. Smaller men may need to focus on "doggy style" where you can go deeper by having your partner lower their head and chest while arching their back. Men with thinner cocks may need to have their partner keep their legs together during sex. Men who are larger may need to let their partner be on top so she can control how deep the penetration is.

Of course, oral sex and using your hands or using a sex toy increases the chance for clitoral or anal orgasms. Use your fingers to find all the pleasure spots in your partner. Enjoy the exploration! The possibilities for pleasure are endless!

Being good in bed or wherever you chose to have great sex isn't about the size of your dick it is about how you handle it. Figuring out what feels good to you and your partner and choosing different moves that make the most of your size will serve you better than worrying about it will. So have fun!

Here are some Do's and Don'ts if your dick is smaller than average:

  • Don't compare yourself to others. 85% of men over estimate the average size and assume everyone else is bigger.

  • Do be confident even if you have to fake it. Confidence is sexy and stressing about your size will ruin sex. Practice positive self talk. This isn't easy. Seeing a Sex Coach can help with this.

  • Don't be afraid to use toys. Not because "they can do what you can't", because different sensations are fun! Adding toys makes you look confident and skilled. Your Sex Coach can help you chose the right toys and help you learn the best ways to use them.

  • Do improve your hip flexibility. This allows for deeper penetration. Your Sex Coach can show you different hip stretching exercises.

Here are some Do's and Don'ts if your partner's cock is smaller than average:

  • Don't lie. Lying and acting that they have a big cock can do more harm than good to your relationship and their self confidence.

  • Do be patient. Penis anxiety is as real as any other body image issues. It may take time for your partner to become comfortable with you. I can help with body image issues using different exercises.

  • Don't fake it. You both deserve to have great and satisfying sex. Play with other techniques and communicate openly about what does and doesn't work. Having a Sex Coach can help you both become more comfortable in asking for what you want.

  • Don't ask if it is in. This is pretty obvious right? You would be surprised by how many clients have to be reminded of this. If you're not sure reach down and feel to be sure.

A big dick is not necessary for amazing sex but confidence, communication and willingness to try new things are. Seeing a Sex Coach can help you with all of these. Isn't your relationship and your sex life worth it?

The key to having great sex is making the most with what you have. Having the confidence you need to walk into the bedroom with your partner and know that you are going to have great sex. Having the skills to communicate with your partner about what works and doesn't work for you and always being willing to try new things. If you try it and realize you

don't like it, you just don't do it again.

Many people struggle with doing these things on their own without help. Helping people have a Better Sex Life is amazing work. That is why I love what I do! What can be better than helping others experience the very best sex life they can have? I can't think of anything!

Lisa Neville Sex and Intimacy

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U

My love and I at the beach in St Augustine, Florida. We both love going to the beach! The smell of the ocean, the heat of the sun, cold drinks and even better company!

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