When clients contact me for Sex Coaching they often ask, "What do we do in a session?". My answer to that is always, "What are your goals?".
Our first session is a "get to know each other" session. In this session I want us to get to know one another. I want to know what your goals are. What are your desires? What do you need to have the best sex life imaginable? If you really aren't sure how to answer those questions then that is where we start. I also ask for your commitment to do the work. We will discuss what your role is as my client(s) and what my role is as your Sex Coach.
Some goals to consider as an individual might be:
Feeling more connected to your sexuality
Finding fulfilling relationships
Become a more sensual and present lover
Overcome sexual issues such as ED or lack of orgasm
Reclaim your body and enjoy pleasure again
Learning what you want and how to ask for it
Once you know what your goals are, we create a plan together to get you there. Our work together will go beyond just offering advice. There will be "assignments" for you to complete between our sessions. I may give you books to read, video's to watch and suggest some Home-play for you to engage in.
If you are a couple coming into session together, we discuss your goals as individuals and your goals as a couple. There will also be "assignments" for you both to complete between sessions. You may do these individually and as a couple. Both partners need to be comfortable with allowing the space for the individual work if it is needed.
Some goals you may want to consider as partners might be:
Wanting to have more fun and exciting Sex Life
Start having sex again
Spend less time fighting and more time giving each other pleasure
Dealing with different desires
Learning what you want and how to ask for it
When coming into session as a couple it is important to remember your goals and desires may be different than your partners. You both may see the problems you are dealing with very differently and from different perspectives.
In couples sessions you need to talk about your desires and goals. Remember you do not speak for your partner. We set aside time in the beginning of the session for each of you to talk about your own hopes and desires for yourself and for your relationship.
Our sessions after will vary. We need to get you to connect to your body and feelings. In these sessions, depending on what you have chosen may become more experiential. We begin to move you towards being able to experiment in new ways of intimacy. You need to be ready to start feeling your body and your emotions.
If you try to move towards this from a place of intellect instead of a place of being present and connected, you aren't going to really feel it. You may go through the motions but probably will not get anything new. Intimacy requires your presence and sexual intimacy requires embodiment. It requires all of your mind, body and spirit.
It is very important for you to talk about any feelings of shame, fear or embarrassment that may keep you from moving forward. We will explore any feelings or fears that may be getting in the way of you making it to your goals.
I am here to help you become more connected with your body. I help you feel safe, comfortable and accepted just as you are. My support, empathy and the tools I provide will help reduce your shame and self-judgement to help you get ready to try new things.
I help you "Find your edge". Finding your edge means stepping outside of your comfort zone, and allowing yourself to explore and grow in your sexuality.
Once you are more in touch with your feelings and your body, we find an experiment or an experience that helps you move forward in your personal growth "finding your edge". It's my job as your Sex Coach to help you find that edge. It will be something you haven't tried before or may have trouble doing and you feel ready to give it a try.
An example of this may be setting boundaries because you are afraid of someone being disappointed or angry with you. Or, it may be around engaging sexy talk with your partner because you are embarrassed or aren't really sure what to say or how to say it.
Based on your edge, I will offer you an experiment you can practice. If you are seeing me for individual coaching, I will be your practice partner. If you are seeing me for couples coaching, I will demonstrate it and you and your partner will take turns practicing together.
So, if you are learning how to talk in a sexy way I will first offer you some sexy talk. You can see how it feels to hear it and imagine saying something sexy yourself. When you feel ready, you will give it a try with me or your partner.
When it is your turn, if you feel a strong sense of discomfort, you may need to explore that discomfort a bit more. We start with small steps. It's important for you to stay present and in your body for the experience. I don't want you to check out. I only want you to push through the resistance and stay present with me. Even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable.
I pay close attention to this and check in often to make sure you are ready and still present. I want you to fully feel and integrate with the experience.
Give it your best effort!
When you feel ready, you will take your turn to test your edge. As you experiment you may feel awkward, especially the first time. You may even laugh or your voice may sound strange. You may try saying it in a funny voice the first time and then in a serious voice. You may trip over your words. That's ok! I can help you find the right sexy words or sexy lines.
That is all completely normal and just fine. It is part of the experiential learning process. After all you don't just sit down and play a musical instrument. You have to learn the notes, try them out and at first it sounds weird. As you practice you get better and better! Then, before you know it you are making beautiful music.
It's the same with sexy talk, sensual touch, sharing in the moment feelings and desires. The more you practice, the better you are. How much fun is that!
Once you have tried it, we talk about it. How did it feel? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Did you feel awkward and excited at the same time?
Remember there are no right or wrong answers about the way you feel. You are safe and accepted just where you are. I want you to be honest with me. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. This is a good time to talk about what you learned about yourself. You may have realized that you love sexy talk and get really excited about it. Or, you may realize that sexy talk just isn't for you. You just don't like it. And, that is ok too! Now you know! You found your edge and that is it.
Now, it is time to take the things you have learned and the tools you have been given into your life.
In our last session, we discuss how you can integrate your new found knowledge and skills into your new, beautiful sexy life.
My job as your Sex Coach isn't to make you be a certain way. I am here to help you explore who you are, what you like and what you don't like. I am here to help you discover what you are capable of and trying new things,"finding your edges."
This helps you to expand your self-awareness and knowledge. It helps you to find out what kinds of experiences, expressions and connections you want to have in your life. Now, you are more prepared to go after them.
As we celebrate all of your hard work, we say our "see ya laters". We don't say good bye. Our paths may cross again someday! What wonderful possibilities will be waiting for you then! You may need to "find new edges" and I will be right there coaching you all the way!
My love and I at Grandfather Mountain in Banner Elk, NC on our honeymoon.
Lisa Neville
Sex and Intimacy Coach
Better Sex 4 U
"Don't worry about getting it right. Just get it started." Marie Forleo