ask a sex coach- is there help for my erectile dysfunction? Part 1 of 2

Is there help for Erectile Dysfunction?

Yes, if you are willing to do the work!

Erectile Dysfunction is such a big topic I am going to divide this into 2 separate blog posts.

I see 2 different components to ED. There is the Physiological or medical component and Psychological or mental component.

Today, I want to talk about the physiological components.

Let's start by learning more about what Erectile Dysfunction is according to the Mayo Clinic.

Erectile dysfunction (impotence) is the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sex.

Having erection trouble from time to time isn't necessarily a cause for concern. If erectile dysfunction is an ongoing issue, however, it can cause stress, affect your self-confidence and contribute to relationship problems. Problems getting or keeping an erection can also be a sign of an underlying health condition that needs treatment and a risk factor for heart disease.

Ugh! Just the sound of that is awful!

Now, let's look at ED from a different perspective.

Dr. Chris Donaghue, PhD, LCSW, CST, ACS is a Sex & Relationship Therapist, Sexologist, Media Personality, Author, Lecturer, and Educator. He wrote a very interesting book called Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture

He discusses many topics in this book and specifically addresses ED.

Here is an excerpt from his book about ED.

Sexual problems are normal and should be expected. Sexual disabilities and issues are not the sign of failure that we have come to see them as. Susan Bordo states "the penis is not a dildo" (1999 pg. 64) recognizing that the penis is a live, fragile, complex organ, run by a live, fragile, complex human being.

It is not just a biology of hydraulics, as urologist and pharmaceutical companies want us to believe. It carries relational, intrapsychic, cultural and familial symbolism.

Individuals should see difficulties in functioning not as problems but as challenges to expand their understanding of how to be sexual, including experimenting with behaviors and instruments they have not tried.

WOW! What a different perspective!

Here are some facts you may not know.

According to the American Urological Association, ED affects nearly 30 million men.

30 million!

In a Verified Market Research study, medications and treatments for ED globally has cost men around 3629 million dollars!

3629 million dollars!

This is what Urologists and Pharmaceutical companies have made selling treatments and medications for men to get a hard on.

I get it, sometimes these medications are needed. I also know that sometimes lifestyle changes can help you get the same results.

What can you do for Erectile Dysfunction?

Let's start by talking about the effect of medications.

ED can be a side effect of taking antidepressants and blood pressure medications.

I recommend talking with your primary care doctor. Are there any other alternatives to the medications you are taking?

I am not advising you to stop taking your medications.

Depression, anxiety and hypertension can possibly be effectively managed by changing your lifestyle.

Are there things you can change? Do you need to eat healthier? Do you need to exercise? Do you need to stop smoking or cut back on drinking alcohol? These can be factors that contribute to ED.

Diabetes and Heart Disease are also contributors to ED. These diseases can be heriditary and you can also change your lifestyle to be healthier.

Low Testosterone can play a role in decreased libido. Research doesn't show that low testosterone is a factor in ED.

However, if you are living with low testosterone it can have an effect on your health and well-being. If you feel better because your hormones are balanced, you may have more energy and your mood may be brighter.

What can help with ed?

An article in Health Central states foods that are high in Flavones, Omega 3's, Nitric oxide,

L-arginine and Anti-oxidants can be helpful.

Flavones are typically found in fruits and veggies.

You will find concentrated flavones in:

• Chamomile tea

• Bergamot juice

• Artichoke heads

• Kumquats

• Bell peppers

BErries

• Strawberries

• Blueberries

• Apples

• Pears

• Citrus fruits

Salmon

• Natural Omega 3's

• Wild salmon instead of cold water salmon

Olive Oil

• Use unrefined and extra virgin olive oil

Whole grains

Purchase products that are 100% whole grain.

• Bread

• Cereal

• Crackers

Herbs and spices

• Parsley

• Thyme

• Rosemary

• Chives

• Tarragon

• Oregano

Meats and poultry

L-arginine is an amino-acid found in protein reach foods such as:

• Poultry

• Red meat in moderation

• Fish

Nuts and legumes

• Almonds

• Walnuts

• Pistachios

• Kidney beans

• Black beans

• Pinto beans

• Great Northern beans

• Navy beans

Leafy Greens

• Kale

• Arugula

• Spinach

• Leafy Lettuce

• Broccoli

You can add radishes and carrots to that list as well!

Tea and coffee

• Tea increases Flavonoids as part of a healthy diet

• Coffee in moderation may help build resistance to inflammation

Now that we have looked at things that can possibly help with your ED. Let's talk about what you might want to avoid.

What should I avoid?

Here are some things you may want avoid when managing ED.

Sugar

Sugar leads to weight gain and a high body mass index. Excessive body weight and an increase in BMI can lead to ED.

A study conducted in 2014 concluded that 8 million cases of ED were related to Diabetes and Obesity.

High Fat meals

People with high cholesterol levels, high blood pressure , obesity and are smokers may have an increased risk of Atherosclerosis.

Atherosclerosis is a build up in the inner lining of the arteries. As a result of this build up there is a reduction of the oxygen supply and blood flow to the organs.

What is your cock? It's an organ!

Make sense?

Alcohol use

Alcohol can also affect your sexual health.

An article from the National Institute of Health states that 72% of men with alcohol dependence had one or more sexual health problems, such as ED, premature ejaculation or low sexual desire.

Excessive alcohol consumption can reduce blood flow to your dick so you may not be able to get hard.

stop smoking

Men who smoke are about twice as likely to develop ED as nonsmokers.

Smoking hampers circulation to all areas of your body, including your cock, making it tougher to get and keep an erection.

Are there other things that can help?

YES!

Exercise

Ugh! There is that word!

Yes, exercise can be very helpful.

Even a brisk 30-minute walk a day, 3-4 times a week can help!

In an article published in 2018 it was found exercising at least 2 1/2 hours a week helped reduce erectile problems that occur with obesity, high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease.

Pelvic floor exercises

Yep! Pelvic Floor exercises (Kegel) exercises aren't just for women.

Kegel exercises can benefit you as well!

Kegels help strengthen the bulbocavernosus muscle.

This important muscle has 3 jobs:

• it allows the cock to engorge with blood during erection

• it pumps during ejaculation

• it helps empty the urethra after urination

You can do pelvic floor exercises in your car on the way to work!

final thoughts

If your partner isn't the most pleasant person to have a conversation with, of course you aren't going to want to have sex with her. Maybe there is more going on with your ED than just not being able to get hard, maybe your relationship needs help.

If your dick goes limp, you still have fingers and a tongue use them!

The average American time of thrusting with a hard cock after penetration is about 2 1/2 minutes! It takes a woman longer than that to get fully aroused and reach orgasm.

The most important thing you can do to have a satisfying sex life is to talk with your partner. Communicating with your partner is key, especially when you are coping with Erectile Dysfunction.

Talk openly about your desires and fears. If you are experiencing ED, your partner may worry that you no longer find them attractive. Or, they may feel like they are doing something wrong.

It's important to reassure each other and remain supportive.

You are not alone.

It is ok to ask for help if you need it.

I can help you and your partner work through issues and improve your sex life.

Reach out to me and let's work on getting your Sex Life back on track.

"I believe that, with anything in life, if you have the patience, desire and passion, you can do whatever you set your mind to". Ed Viesturs

My love and I going up the mountain to The Land Of Oz in Beech Mountain, NC.

The Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies! We enjoyed the day and enjoyed being together even more!

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U

ask a sex coach- can I be addicted to masturbation?

Can someone become addicted to masturbation?

The answer to this, Yes.

Masturbation is a normal behavior and can be enjoyed by those not in a relationship or in a partnered relationship.

As I mentioned in my last blog post, masturbation can have positive mental and physical health benefits.

Engaging in masturbation regularly doesn't mean that you have a problem.

However, for some people excessive masturbating can feel out of control. This is called Compulsive or Excessive Masturbation.

Masturbation practices vary from person to person. I actually encourage my clients to have masturbation sessions daily.

I am often asked "When is masturbation a problem?"

Let's talk about it!

Masturbation might be a problem when...

• masturbating takes up a lot of time and energy

• your home, work or personal life is suffering

• you are late to meetings, cancel events or leave social appointments early to go home to masturbate

• you masturbate in public or uncomfortable places because you can't wait to get home

• you masturbate even if you aren't aroused or horny

• you feel anger, anxious, stressed or sad instead of feeling your emotions your "go to" response is to masturbate for comfort

• you feel guilty, distressed or upset after masturbating

• you think about masturbating all the time

• you experience cravings or withdrawals if you don't masturbate

What are some Causes of Excessive Masturbation?

possible causes of feeling the need

to excessively masturbate are:

• Underlying depression or anxiety that you manage by using masturbation to elevate your mood, to relax or decrease stress.

• An inclination toward addiction because of neurobiology - one study showed that people with sexual compulsive behavior showed greater connections between certain brain structure similar to those involved in drug reward circuits.

• Emotional pain caused by life circumstances that you seek to push away by focusing on masturbation.

• An imbalance of natural brain chemicals.

What is the impact of compulsive masturbation?

by Engaging in too frequent or compulsive masturbation you may feel-

• lower sexual satisfaction

• reduced self esteem

• masturbation interferes with other areas of your life such as personal and work relationships

• loss of sensitivity

• lower sexual satisfaction with your partners

• lack of impulse control

• shame and guilt

• inhibits other healthy coping mechanisms

What is the treatment for compulsive masturbation? How can I stop?

If you find yourself compulsively masturbating and can't seem to control it there are some things you can do.

You may need to seek therapy from a professional counselor or sex therapist.

In this instance, sex coaching may not be the best fit. As a Sex Coach, I am working with you right now, in this moment, to help you achieve your sexual goals. I am not a Therapist. As a Sex Coach, I am not trained to address depression or anxiety.

However, I do have Therapists that I refer to. Mark Neville M. Div is the orginiator of Life Therapy, he specializes in Depression, Anxiety and Trauma. He and I work together as a team with you, to help move you forward in your mental and sexual health and well being.

Mark gives his clients much more than just talk therapy. He helps you develop strategies and techniques to reduce the causes that are possibly contributing to compulsively masturbating.

You may need to seek help from your physicians.

There is no medication that you can take to "stop" excessively masturbating. However, if you are dealing with depression, anxiety or obsessive compulsive behavior, medication could help to reduce the behavior.

how do i cope with excessive masturbation?

• Engage in physical or creative activities you enjoy. Participating in other activities helps to shift your focus from masturbating.

• Join a support group either in-person or online. Finding others that are dealing with the same issues can be very comforting and validating. You are not alone. If you live in the Asheville area go to Ashevillesaa.org to find a group near you or look for an online forum.

• Consider reducing any stigmas you feel about masturbation. Talk with a Therapist. Do you perceive masturbation to be shameful or immoral and feel you must keep it a secret? If you believe that masturbation is a sin and you masturbate you may feel guilty, anxious or depressed. When in fact, your masturbation practice might be normal and healthy.

• Be present in your relationships. Make an effort to go on dates or plan activities with your partner, friends or family members.This can help you ease the urges you feel to be alone to engage in masturbation. This also helps to strengthen your connections with loved ones and build a sense of belonging.

Identifying your triggers

Your triggers may be different than someone elses.

• Do you notice that being bored or being alone leads you to engage in masturbation?

• Do you try to relieve stress with masturbation?

• Do you have access to porn or sex toys?

Find other activities that can help alleviate boredom, loneliness or stress.

Get rid of the sex toys and put a block on the computer so you can't access porn.

This is another instance where talking with a Therapist can help you identify your triggers, help to develop strategies and provide healthy coping skills.

Conclusion

Remember that masturbation itself is a healthy, normal and human behavior.

Almost everybody masturbates or has masturbated in their life.

Regular masturbation is not the sign of a problem.

Just because you masturbate frequently doesn't mean you have a problem.

However, if masturbating is affecting your relationships at home, work, school or your mental well being you may have a problem.

Masturbation has a number of health benefits. It can help you de-stress and lift your mood.

So, if you are under a lot of stress you might use masturbation to relax and feel better.

This isn't wrong, however if you become obsessed with chasing the high of an orgasm this could lead to masturbation becoming a problem for you.

Masturbation is a great and healthy way to get to know your body and what turns you on.

Masturbation can also be an unhealthy way of not feeling or avoiding your emotions.

You are not alone.

You aren't broken and don't need to be fixed.

You may just need help to get to a better place emotionally. And, to feel free from guilt and shame so your sexual self can really shine.

"Writing is like a mental masturbation to me" . -Li Na

My love and I at the Asheville Tourist game this past weekend! We enjoyed great food, beer and most of all each other!

Lisa Neville

Better Sex 4 U

828-585-7669

Ask a sex coach- Is it ok to masturbate?

Is it ok to masturbate?

Short answer! Yes! Absolutely!

I prefer the term Self Pleasure, however for this blog post I will use the word Masturbate. I will talk about my preference for the term Self Pleasure in a future blog post.

Masturbation is a normal and natural behavior. It's a healthy way to explore your body, what feels good and how to achieve orgasm.

Masturbation also allows you to explore your unique sexual interests so you can express those interests to your partner.

How much is too much? That is based you as an individual. Some clients masturbate several times a day, once a week or once a month. Some don't masturbate at all.

I coach my clients to do what feels right to them. It isn't problem unless it starts replacing other aspects of a healthy and balanced life. If it starts interfering with social activities, school, work or other responsibilities then it becomes a problem.

I will talk more about unhealthy masturbation next week.

Even though masturbation is a common and natural part of learning about our Sexuality, some of my clients feel a lot of shame or embarrassment around it.

Clients have heard that masturbation could cause blindness, infertility, and reduce sexual function. Others were even told that self pleasure was a sexual perversion.

If you have concerns about your masturbation practices reach out to me and let's talk!

Here are 10 Benefits of Masturbation

1. Pain Relief

• Masturbating helps relieve the pain of Endometriosis.

An orgasm creates a series of muscle contractions in the pelvic floor. Essentially, orgasming is like a mini workout for your pelvic floor.

Pelvic floor exercises can be extremely important for those who suffer from pain during sex due to Endometriosis or men with who deal with premature ejaculation.

• Masturbation can help ease pain.

Got a headache? Feeling a little sore from your last work out? Try masturbating!

Masturbating can have pain relieving benefits. Having an orgasm releases dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin. These are our bodies feel good hormones.

One classic study by famous Sexologist Beverly Whipple PHD RN found that vaginal stimulation can actually increase women's pain tolerance by 40%. That's pretty impressive!

• Masturbating can help with period cramps.

Biologically speaking, when a woman is having her period we are shedding something called the Endometrial lining. Sometimes the uterus contracts to help the process along which can result in some very uncomfortable cramps.

However, those feel good neurotransmitters; dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin that you get when you masturbate can put up quite a fight against those cramps.

2. stress Relief

Think about it.... during your last pleasurable experience masturbating, were you thinking about your never ending list of things to do or what you were going to have for dinner? Probably not!

Sexual pleasure by masturbating forces us to tune into our body's reaction to pleasure, rather than staying in our head where we are preoccupied and stressed.

When a solo masturbation session includes orgasm, there are additional stress busting benefits! A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that orgasming releases oxytocin which results in decreased levels of cortisol in the body. When cortisol is decreased so are the feelings of stress.

3. Masturbating makes you happier

Seriously!

Masturbating can make you feel happier! Who doesn't want to feel happier?

Masturbation activates the parts of the brain responsible for pleasure like the hypothalamus. It also decreases the parts of the brain responsible for fear and anxiety.

So, if you find yourself smiling more and with more pep in your step after increasing your masturbation practice you know why!

4. masturbating increases your libido

Masturbating can make you want more not less sex.

We like to do things that make us feel good right?

We get a surge of dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin during sex, sex feels good and we want more.

I encourage my clients that have a clit and struggle to get turned on to masturbate regularly. It is great for someone with a lower sex drive.

I recommend this for my clients with a dick too. If they are struggling with coming too fast or want to last longer in bed, masturbating before partnered sex can help them last longer. It takes them longer to come the 2nd time.

Of course, it is not a guarantee for everyone because bodies are different.

Just keep in mind the amount of time it usually takes your body to be ready for sex again.

5. improves sleep

Having an orgasm before going to bed can help you fall asleep faster. Masturbating quiets your mind.

There is also a release of oxytocin. This helps to promote sleep.

In 2019 a study from Frontiers in Public Health found that more than 1/2 of the people who masturbate before bed and had an orgasm reported better quality of sleep!

6. You feel more energized

Not everyone gets sleepy after sex. For some it may depend on the time of day whether or not they are energized after sex.

The only way to find out if to do it. Trial and error. Sounds fun to me!

If you get a kick of energy in the morning after orgasming, a quick morning orgasm may be a great way to start your day! Climax then coffee!

7. It improves your skin

I am sure you have had or seen the after sex glow.

It's a real thing!

The beauty benefits of sex are real and they also apply when you masturbate.

The skin boosting benefits go beyond just the "sex flush".

One study done by the Journal of Sex Medicine found having an orgasm increases your body's estrogen levels. Estrogen is known to help with healthier looking skin and hair.

Masturbating also reduces stress levels which can reduce some of the body's stress responses like the over production of sweat and acne.

So, a regular masturbation practice really can make your skin look clearer.

I don't know about you, I would rather have a regular visit with my vibrator than a regular visit at the dermatologist.

8. You Get to know your body better

Masturbating is a way to get in touch with your body and to learn what turns you on.

Unfortunately, some of my clients don't really know what turns them on.

I encourage my clients to masturbate daily if possible. It helps them to know what types of touch their body enjoys.

Masturbating allows you to explore what touches, pressures, intensities and strokes your body responds to.

9. increases pleasurable partner play

We might want our partners to just intuitively know where our "Oooooo" spots are. Guess what, they don't!

You can't expect your partner to be a mind reader of your body.

You need to communicate what feels good to you.

If you need help with learning more about how to communicate with your partner, call me!

By masturbating you learn exactly what makes you feel good. Then you can take that information back to your partner.

It's a win, win!

10. builds confidence

Masturbating is essential for developing self awareness, body awareness, self acceptance and confidence.

As my clients become more confident in the bedroom they often become more confident outside of the bedroom too.

Masturbation is empowering. We get to know what we want and in turn can ask for what we want.

Conclusion

The frequency and benefits of masturbating are highly individualized.

What pleases you might differ from what pleases your partner.

Masturbation is a healthy way to explore your unique sexual self. Who knows along the way you may begin to feel more relaxed, less stressed and your Sex Life may be amazing!

The more I can encourage people like you to get to know your own body, the more you can communicate what feel good to your partners.

So, stop reading my blog now and go masturbate!

ENJOY!

"Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love". Annie Hall

My love and I enjoying some time at The Outer Banks, NC.

We love being at the beach and what we love more is being together at the beach!

Lisa Neville

Sex and Intimacy Coach

Better Sex 4 U